Humour for the Day
Quotes
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. - Leonardo da Vinci
To be simple is to be great. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Everything should be made as simple as possible...but not simpler. - Albert Einstein
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. - Alice
Roosevelt Longworth
A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular. - Adlai Stevenson, statesman (1900-1965)
If you want to be employed, be employable. - William J.H. Boetcker
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
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We Know Your Password!
A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's
password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
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Brain Food
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other
shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads.
You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were
disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks
later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy
the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."
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Punch Lines
Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
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Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always
getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons
were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she
asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open,
wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the
boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the
door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is
missing - and they think WE did it!"
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Consultant
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer. She asked him what word he
would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter
"penis". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the
computer's response:
Password rejected. Not long enough.
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Guinea Pigs
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock
earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared
for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got
behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a
brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."
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Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer
The monitor is up on blocks.
Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
The six front keys have rotted out.
The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
The password is "Bubba."
There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
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